BRILLIANT EMAIL SENT TO POLICE SCOTLAND

This is a genuine complaint to Springburn Police from an angry member of the public. Lengthy but brilliantly written.....

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Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Springburn police station to pick up a phone, I've decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you'd be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Possil, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Saracen Street which is just off Hawthorn Street. 

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a ball against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which reverberates throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure of how the scoring system works, I've no idea if it will end at any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully deposited beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy.

I fear it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the Calor Gas bottle which is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied upon to only blow their own arms and legs off then I'd happily leave them to it. I'd even go so far as to lend them some matches. Unfortunately they're far more likely to blow up half the street with them, and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing into the night, probably never to be seen again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain, ever, your obedient servant — Bob O'Hara (no relation to the Birdman) 

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Mr O'Hara,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. 

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC Fraser

Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC Fraser, 

first of all I'd like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Sprinburn Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details onto Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness Book of Records. 

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I've lived in Saracen Street I've never seen you. Do you hide up a tree, or have you perhaps gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead? Or the one with his bottom lip like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI6.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Greater Glasgow, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere?

The pitch on Ruchill Drive or the one at Springburn Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Govan docks at a stretch, the latter being the preferred option, especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should contact me on 0141 558 0719. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Stab Inn or The Brothers Bar as you may know it.

Regards

Bob O'Hara

PS: If you think this is sarcasm, consider yourself lucky you don't work for the sewage department, with whom I'm also in regular contact to deal with this shit!!!