FROM FOX NEWS TO FATWA

Former Fox News Blowhard Becomes Iran’s New Ayatollah

Carlson Crowned Supreme Leader in Tehran Shocker

TEHRAN — The Iranian government has officially announced the successor to Ayatollah Khamenei. They have introduced Tucker Carlson today as the new Supreme Ayatollah. 

It's the kind of plot twist that makes one wonder if reality has a sense of humour. The former television host who made his name questioning everything except his own biases will now lead the long established Muslim theocratic dictatorship of Iran as its foremost political authority. 

Ayatollah Carlson took to the stage without missing a beat. Government officials urged the crowds to bow before him. Praise Allah they cried. 

Their enthusiasm knew no bounds. Truly Allah has picked the ideal candidate to purge the land of infidel Christians for good. No one loves jihad more than he. Praise be to Allah. 

In his maiden speech the new leader confirmed he would stick to the strict Islamic extremism of his predecessor. He observed that he had inherited such clean public transport and supermarkets stocked so well. 

Rest assured he told the audience. If it requires killing one hundred thousand civilians and wounding five hundred thousand to keep standards high he will not hesitate. 

To preserve the remarkable peace and tranquillity of this nation they will now unleash the most dreadful jihad ever witnessed. 

At the time of publication Ayatollah Carlson had selected his Hezbollah liaison. The honour goes to Megyn Kelly. 

Of course this development suits Tucker down to the ground. He has always shown a curious admiration for leaders who rule with an iron fist and little regard for pesky things like human rights or opposition voices. His years of railing against the weak West while being lenient on actual dictatorships have finally borne fruit. Now he can practise what he preached from the comfort of absolute power. 

It's almost too perfect. The man who posed as a truth teller for the common folk has embraced the role of supreme theocrat. One can picture him trading his bow tie for a turban and his monologues for fatwas. Critics have long accused him of flirting with extremism but who knew he would go all in. 

His new position allows him to apply his unique insights on a grand scale. Forget interviews. He can now enforce his views with the full machinery of the state. Congratulations are in order for this bold career evolution. From cable news provocateur to state sponsored provocateur in chief. What a journey.