BREAKING: NEW VIRAL OUTBREAK

 

Downing Street has issued an urgent public health alert following the discovery of a highly contagious new pathogen known as Gammonella Reformia, commonly referred to by panicked officials as “The Clacton Cough”.

A visibly trembling Government spokesperson, flanked by tearful representatives from the Liberal Democrats, the Greens, Plaid Cymru, the SNP, and a man in a panda suit claiming to represent “the planet”, confirmed that the virus is spread through even the briefest exposure to common sense spoken in an Essex accent.

Early symptoms include an uncontrollable urge to question net zero costs, wondering why hotels are full of fit young men who arrived by dinghy, and feeling strangely relaxed about border control. In severe cases patients have been observed reading the Daily Telegraph without experiencing immediate nausea and, in one tragic outbreak in Clacton, an elderly gentleman was seen nodding approvingly at a Nigel Farage speech while eating a full English breakfast containing actual bacon.

Chief Medical Officer Sir Keir Whitty-Starmer (no relation) warned that the colour turquoise has been classified as a Category A biohazard. Citizens are advised to maintain a minimum six-metre distance from anyone wearing it. Should accidental exposure occur, immediate decontamination is required by watching twelve consecutive hours of BBC News, attending a compulsory unconscious-bias workshop, and repeating the mantra “I am not allowed my own opinion” until the urge to vote Reform subsides.

Particularly at-risk groups include anyone who owns a white van, enjoys fishing, or has ever said “it never did me any harm” in relation to national service. The Welsh Assembly has gone further and banned the Welsh word for turquoise entirely, replacing it with “that shade which shall not be named”. In Scotland, Police Scotland have been issued with special goggles that automatically pixelate anything turquoise within a five-mile radius of Glasgow.

Health Secretary and Minister for Funny Walks Wes Streeting has reassured the nation that a vaccine is in development, tentatively titled “Obey19”. Although side effects from initial trials are said to include blind obedience to Brussels, an irrational fear of Brexit, and finding Owen Jones sexually attractive. Three boosters and a lifetime subscription to The Guardian are required for full immunity.

In related news, the Government has ordered the immediate destruction of all garden furniture in Reform teal, and the Royal Mint is urgently recalling any fifty-pence pieces that accidentally look a bit turquoise in certain light.

Citizens are reminded that thinking for yourself remains the leading cause of Clacton Cough. Please report any outbreaks of independent thought to the nearest approved fact-checker or phone the helpline provided by BBC Verify. Normal compliance will resume shortly.